A Pivotal Moment in the Film School Career of J.J. Abrams

PROFESSOR: Less.

J.J.: Like that?

PROFESSOR: No, less than that.

J.J. (making an adjustment): How about now?

PROFESSOR: Less still.

J.J.: Gosh. Okay, how’s that?

PROFESSOR: Even less. You’ll be amazed how much less you can get away with.

J.J.: But it’ll ruin the shot!

PROFESSOR: Nah. Have some confidence. Wait, what are you shooting on, Velvia?

J.J. (embarrassed): K… Kodachrome.

PROFESSOR: Oh. Oh wow. Yeah, don’t even worry. That stuff’s so sparkly you can hold a Bic lighter up to the lens and get enough flare for like a dozen tender childhood moments.

J.J.: I just… I don’t think I can do it on my own. It’s just too un-flarey.

PROFESSOR: Trust yourself, Jeffrey Jacob. Let go.

(J.J. looks into the PROFESSOR’S eyes for a long beat, then steels himself.)

J.J.: I’m… I think… I think I’m doing it. (One at a time, and with obvious difficulty, he turns off the spotlights, flood lamps, and high-powered lasers that have been firing into the lens from all sides.) There.

PROFESSOR: See?

J.J.: This is amazing. (Removes a string of blinking Christmas lights that was wrapped around the camera.) I can hardly see any lens flare at all anymore.

PROFESSOR: I knew you had it in you.

J.J.: Just look at that contrast ratio. And the faces. They’re so clear and unobstructed. My god, I think the entire shot is in focus! (Weeping.) It’s like… it’s like a multiverse of bearable cinematography just opened up before me! You’ve changed my life, Professor! Thank you! Thank you!

PROFESSOR: By the way, I fucked your sister.