Some terrific advice Citibank printed on my credit-card statement. I love it when a creditor tells me the best way to manage my finances, because I know they have nothing but my personal well-being in mind. Thanks, Citibank!

You’re right, of course. I should switch to Paperless Statements immediately, because if I ever do become a victim of identity theft, I’d really rather not have any written documentation of my purchase or credit history. That stuff would just confuse me, right? And if I one day end up in court with a creditor such as—just throwing this out as an example—you, it would make everything go so much more smoothly if the other party controlled all the evidence. Great tip!

And I’m especially cool with you keeping all my records for me, because you’re so awesome at not getting your servers hacked. That letter you sent me three years ago advising me that my personal account information may have been accessed illegally? Think nothing of it. The way for years your online account manager didn’t allow secure connections but had a meaningless little lock icon anyway because you think I’m an idiot? Water under the bridge.

And besides, with no paper trail it’d be impossible for a bank to do something boneheaded like accidentally send envelopes to over half a million people with their social security numbers printed on the outside. Like you did. Two months ago.

So yeah, keep the great advice coming, Citibank. These little pearls of wisdom make banking fun! Take care now, and make sure you don’t accidentally go fuck yourselves.