Dear everything:

Please stop treating the act of unsubscribing from your marketing emails as a Major Life Event demanding somber and sober reflection; a dilemma rich in both Pros and Cons whose balance requires careful, measured consideration; and one from the brink of which your subject might gingerly be persuaded back if only you could find just the right ingratiating tone to adopt in the (totally necessary and welcome!) unsubscription confirmation which, I beg you to realize, you are sending to a person whom you’ve already driven to squander a small but not insignificant fragment of his frightfully limited span on this planet politely asking you not to email him ever, ever, ever again.

Because you know what? I spent less time this morning weighing the decision to rid myself of you forever than I did last night choosing a cheek to lift for a discreet fart at dinner.

Kisses,
Dan