A stupid thing I once did on Twitter

On Super Bowl Sunday 2009, I announced a live-tweet of the greatest sporting event of our time:

Tonight only: @dwineman’s toenail clipping extravaganza. Live-tweet beginning at 6:28 EST. If you hate football, unfollow everyone but me.

Several hours of stupidity followed shortly thereafter, and it only cost me half a dozen followers. Since it reads better forwards than backwards, and it’s hard to go back very far on twitter.com anyway, here’s the whole dumb thing. I’m very sorry.

Well folks, it’s a beautiful evening for hygiene, and we’ve got a packed bathroom for tonight’s event as the action gets underway.

This will be one for the record books: a full 94 days since his last toenail clipping. @dwineman’s only comment so far has been “LADIES.”

We’re looking at a bit of a delayed start; the clippers the league selected for tonight’s event appear to be kind of gross. Stay with us.

The official clippers have been fumigated and dried… and there it is: the first clip of the night, the left pinky toe. Interesting choice.

Going in, the right foot was the favorite to win by three toes, but this left-pinky start was unexpected. How does this change things, Bob?

IT CHANGES EVERYTHING, BOB. THE LEFT-TOE LEAD WAS DEFINITELY NOT WHAT YOU WANT TO SEE IF YOU’RE A RIGHT FOOT FAN IN THE STANDS HERE TONIGHT.

Thanks for that insight, Bob. By the way, @dwineman’s clippers were generously provided by Revlon®. For that smooth, not-so-stabby feeling.

There goes the left ring-toe. Almost effortless. I can’t remember when we’ve seen such a graceful, flowing performance on this toilet seat.

I CAN THINK OF ONE TIME, BOB, BUT I CAN’T TALK ABOUT IT ON TELEVISION! HA! HA HA HA!

And now the middle—No! a fake! He’s skipped over the middle toe entirely, instead attacking the left index toe! Folks, we have a ball game!

THAT’S RIGHT, BOB. WHAT WE ARE WITNESSING IS THE WORK OF A TRUE ATHLETE. SOMEONE WHO WAS CLEARLY BORN TO CLIP TOENAILS.

Indeed. Will he go back for the middle toe or keep pressing the full-foot drive? We love @dwineman because he always keeps us guessing.

There’s the whistle: out of bounds. That will stop the clock while officials retrieve the clippers from the bowl. We’ll be back after this.

And we’re back. For those of you just joining the action @dwineman is giving a master class on toenail clipping, isn’t that right Bob?

THAT’S RIGHT, BOB. LIKE I SAID, YOU AREN’T GOING TO SEE CLIPPING PROWESS LIKE THIS AT ANY OTHER LEVEL. WE’RE IN FOR A TREAT HERE TONIGHT.

We’ve had an uncharacteristically wet post-season here in Slug Crossing. Is that likely to affect the outcome of the match?

WELL, IT’S TRUE THERE WAS SOME MOISTURE ON THE TOILET SEAT WHICH MAY HAVE ACCOUNTED FOR THE UNFORTUNATE DUNKING IN THE FIRST QUARTER.

Yes, he slipped during the initial left thumb-toe approach. But it’s @dwineman’s unshakeable professionalism that makes him great.

YES, THAT AND HIS DELICATELY SCULPTED YET POWERFUL TOES. THOSE ARE NOT THE TOES OF AN AMATEUR, BOB, THAT’S FOR SURE.

OK, back on target for Left Thumb. He’s been favoring a triple-stroke form on this most challenging of toes, looks like no change tonight.

Beautiful! Such texture! Such symmetry! That’s a toenail you could eat your dinner off of, Bob, if your dinner was very small I mean.

YEAH, BOB, THE THUMB TOES ARE WHAT SEPARATE THE MEN FROM THE BOYS. ANYBODY CAN CLIP AN INDEX OR A MIDDLE AND GET THROUGH THE DAY.

That’s right, Bob. 77% of injuries this season were received during big-toe maneuvers. But you can’t let statistics get to you on the field.

And it looks like he’s leaving that middle toe untrimmed. Bit of a gamble; it could end up hurting him in the second half. Stay with us.

Well, Bob, that was some show wasn’t it.
SURE WAS BOB, I DIDN’T EXPECT THOSE DOVES TO FLY DIRECTLY OUT OF NORAH JONES’S VAGINA LIKE THAT.

Now as we move into the 2nd foot it looks like he’s going right for the thumb toe. Brave, brave move. I’m not sure—oh no! Is that blood?

I THINK SO BOB, LOOKS LIKE HE CLIPPED A VESSEL. THIS COULD HAVE QUITE A NEGATIVE IMPACT ON HIS CHANCES HERE TONIGHT HERE TONIGHT.

The blood’s starting to pool as he adjusts his grip. I can see him wincing as he goes in—and it’s good! A clean snip across the hyponychium.

The right index toe’s looking fine, but I’m a little worried about that injury—oh good, he’s signalling for a time out. Now this.

We’re back and things are looking shaky for @dwineman after a nearly career-ending injury. That cuticle brace can’t be easy to work with.

NO IT CAN’T BOB, AND I HATE TO SEE IT COME DOWN TO THIS. HE’S GOT SOME FANCY NAILWORK TO DO IF HE WANTS TO PULL THIS ONE OUT HERE TONIGHT.

He sure does Bob, and—he’s cut himself again! On that middle nail he strategically skipped back in foot one! What a shocking turn of events!

Folks, @dwineman has slipped in a pool of blood and knocked himself out on the edge of the sink. This game could be over already.

I haven’t seen an upset like this since the Tiger Woods septum deviation at the nostril-hair-trimming round of the ‘98 Masters. Bob?

ME EITHER BOB, AND MIGHT I ADD THAT THIS IS AN UPSET THE LIKES OF WHICH HAVEN’T BEEN SEEN IN HYGIENE SPORTS IN NEARLY A DECADE.

Good point, Bob. @dwineman is now being carried out of the bathroom on a stretcher. And—yes—the game has been called for the toenails.

HISTORIC MATCH, BOB.
Indeed it was, Bob. Way better than a fucking football game.

(This teletweet is copyrighted by @dwineman for the private use of my followers. RTing or mentioning that it ever happened is prohibited.)