Caesar Salad

The thing about Caesar salad is that it’s awful 99% of the time. Caesar dressing in a bottle is never at all worthwhile, because the chemical reaction between the mustard, lemon juice, oil, and egg can’t be shelf-stabilized without killing most of the flavor. And restaurants can’t be bothered to do it right, because no one knows what it’s supposed to taste like. In fact, I’ve only been to two restaurants in my life that made this dish properly: from fresh ingredients, at your table, while you watch. Most people have no idea what they’re missing.

So here’s my personal recipe. It’s easily the most delicious thing I know how to make. It’s probably terrible for you, but hey, salad.

Ingredients:

• 1/3 to 1/2 baguette
• 4 large cloves garlic
• 1/2 c. olive oil
• 1/8 tsp. kosher salt
• 1 large anchovy
• 1 tsp. whole grain brown mustard
• 2 tbsp. fresh-squeezed lemon juice (bottled is noticeably less awesome)
• 1/2 tsp. Worcestershire sauce
• 1 egg, boiled for 1 minute (or raw if you’re daring)
• 1/4 c. finely grated Parmigiano-Reggiano cheese (you can substitute Pecorino Romano, but you suck a little if you do, and I don’t even want to know you if you use the pre-grated stuff)
• 1 large head romaine lettuce, washed, dried, and broken into large chunks
• Freshly ground black pepper, to taste

Preparation:

1. Preheat the oven to 300° F (150° C).
2. Cut the baguette into 1-inch slices and cut each slice once lengthwise and twice crosswise so you end up with six sort-of-cube-shaped pieces.
3. Heat 1/4 c. olive oil in a large sauté pan over medium-high heat.
4. Mince or process in a garlic press two garlic cloves and add to the oil.
5. Before the garlic dries out, add the bread cubes. Stir everything around. Do that fancy forward-and-back sauté toss move that makes women swoon. (It’s easier than it looks.) The rest of the preparation is nowhere near as much fun to watch, especially the fish-mashing part. This is your moment; live it.
6. When all the bread is coated, dump it in a glass baking dish and place in the oven for 10-15 minutes or until crunchy but not totally dry. Remove and transfer to a metal bowl for faster cooling. (You can also make the croutons in advance and store them in an airtight bag or container.)
7. Coarsely chop the remaining two garlic cloves.
8. In a large wooden bowl, mash the garlic and salt. (Make sure you move it around enough to coat the bottom of the bowl with yummy garlic juice.)
9. Add the anchovy and smoosh it into a delicious paste.
10. Add mustard, lemon juice, Worcestershire, and pepper. Whisk everything together.
11. Add remaining 1/4 c. olive oil and rapidly whisk until emulsified.
12. Whisk in the egg and 3/4 of the cheese.
13. Dump in most of the croutons and stir until coated. (They absorb the dressing nicely, so you want them good and submerged.)
14. Add lettuce and toss well. Top with the rest of the cheese and croutons.
15. Serve immediately. If you wait half an hour it will be poo. (Actually, even if you eat it right away… oh never mind.)

Two people can easily finish this off and call it dinner. For three or more, it’s probably just an appetizer. But trust me, your family and/or friends will love you for this.

(Dating tip: this is already a provocative dish that will impress your special lady, but for a more intimate presentation, use romaine hearts divided into whole spears. Instead of tossing, drizzle the dressing over them and eat with your hands. That, gentlemen, is SexyFood™.)