venomous porridge

Me: I wonder if the PlayStation Network is back up yet. (clicks)
PS3: Sure, just sign in and — Whoops, gotta do a software update.
(Half an hour passes.)
Me: (clicks again)
PS3: Sure, just sign in and — Oh dear, looks like you’ll need to change your password. Hackers, you know. From Russia. Nothing to be done.
Me: Okay, here’s a new password.
PS3: Now type it again, please. Just to confirm. Can’t have you getting your new password wrong, can we? Terribly sorry for the trouble.
Me: Why are you showing asterisks instead of what I type, anyway? Do you think the Russian hackers are in my living room? Oh never mind. Here you go.
PS3: Okay! PSN coming right — oh, sorry, this won’t do at all. For security you need to have at least one letter and one number in your password.
Me: Couldn’t you have told me that before —
PS3: It’s for security.
Me: Is it.
PS3: Oh yes. We take security very seriously here at Sony. Very seriously. Very, very, very, very —
Me: Shut up. Here’s my password. It contains five letters, six numbers, eleven ampersands, and the complete text of On Beyond Zebra! just to be safe.
PS3: Hilarious. Now type it again, please. Can’t have you —
Me: Yes, yes, I know. I’m only punishing myself, because this onscreen keyboard of yours is so annoying.
PS3: What are you talking about? I’m 1080p.
Me: Who cares. You’d be just as annoying in 3D IMAX Smell-o-vision or whatever.
PS3: Sick burn, dude. Just type the damn password.
Me: Here.
PS3: Okay, now agree to this 50-page legally binding contract that you can only see eight lines of at a time, and we’ll be on our way!
Me: I think I could adopt a child in less time than this is taking. A white child.
PS3: Look, just fucking click Agree already, will you? The last 45 pages are pasted from an IKEA catalog anyway.
Me: Fine. Agree.
PS3: Whoops, down for maintenance. Bye!
Me: (goes to Denny’s)

(Previously)

Here’s how it works: while you’re alive, do whatever pleases you, and try to be pleased by doing worthwhile things.

For example, when another person needs help, you should help them if you can, but you don’t have to feel guilty if you can’t. In fact, you never have to feel obligated to anyone or anything unless you choose to. It can be rewarding to choose obligation, though, if you choose well.

Go ahead and have a healthy attitude toward sex, too. It doesn’t matter who you love, or how you mutually express it. Try not to hurt anyone, and you can do whatever you want with your body and with those of other consenting adults. No one’s watching, unless you’re into that.

You’ll probably want to be a good person, although there aren’t any supernatural consequences should you fail. But doing the right thing even when you know you don’t have to feels pretty good. Way better than doing the wrong thing, most of the time. All of the time.

Most of the time.

Above all, be there for the people you love while you still can, because this is all you get.

If you live by these rules, or even if you don’t, one day no one will come back to earth to be met in the sky by nonbelievers. No piles of clothes will fall unsupported to the ground; no air will rush to fill vacuums left by the recently corporeal. No years of tribulation will ensue; no final judgment be rendered. We might get an End of Days, but only if we’re stupid and do it to ourselves.

In other words, our Rapture is exactly like that other Rapture. All the same stuff happens, no matter what anyone believes.

But afterwards, we get ice cream.

“It’s a little out of the way for me, so I probably wouldn’t go back too often.”
— Chris H.

“[The waitress] was wearing old cut-off jeans, no makeup (she needed some) and just looked pretty slovenly”
— Lisa S.

“As for atmosphere, the fabric wall panels need some updating.”
— Erin W.

“Rabbit in mustard sauce - didn’t try it.”
— Tyler A.

“I went with my BFF and it was UFB. I read what someone else wrote in a review and was like WTF? …Anyway, I won’t tell u exactly what I had to eat cuz it is NOYB. LOL.”
— Paul A.

“It kind of feels like you’re eating in a hip filing cabinet.”
— Aria S.

“The Orange Chicken is unlike anything I’ve ever tasted, very strong, probably very good to those who like orange chicken. I’m sort of not a fan so this particular preparation went into the garbage.”
— Crystal W.

“I tried to not add more carts in my life right now because it just seemed complicated.”
— Rob D.

“The pig intestine dish is exactly the same as the hot chicken bath, but with intestine.”
— Mindy C.

“Great babe to biscuit ratio.”
— Nicky T.

“If my hunger was a T-rex, eating this meal would be like shooting it in the face with a slingshot (Dennis the Menace-style, NOT David v. Goliath-style).”
— Andrew H.

And our winner:

“They’ve gotten rid of the pus-cleavage girl, THANK GOD.”
— Saint P.

Compiled with Neven Mrgan’s enthusiastic assistance.

• restaurant simulation
• turn-based combat
• explore 20 amazing worlds
• corpse physics
• realistic weapons
• ninja zombies
• premium in-game items
• unique twist on gem-matching
• connect with Facebook
• virtual pet
• zombie ninjas
• Madden

And the number one phrase that guarantees I won’t buy your game:

• hidden objects